Anyone who reads what I write, be it here or another blog, or who speaks with me on any level beyond surface knows that I have been spiritually stagnant for a long time. I am not sure when it began, how I went from being uber self-righteous to reading material put out by the "emergent church" in order to make myself feel better about the current condition of my heart and lifestyle. Somewhere in there I did some wicked painful counseling where I allowed myself to get really angry with God, ask a lot of questions to which there are no answers and despite His complete healing and peace throughout that, I just didn't come out of it the same. Instead of dealing with my- whatever I was feeling, because I still can't put a title on it- I gave into it. I just accepted and stopped trying to push through. Here and there I have tried to start journaling, or reading the right things, or saying longer prayers- whatever I could think to do that might make me feel closer to God again. None of it worked and I just became more stagnant.
Recently a book I love appeared from the closet it had been hidden in and I picked it up. It is a great book all around and I was enjoying reading all of it, but a few things really hit me. The first was that I never talk to people about Jesus. Not really. I might engage in light debate about religion as a whole, but the last time I really shared the truth of the cross with anyone (aside from Travis)...I cannot remember. I mean, years it has been. What I have been doing is talking about my own self. My testimony, my thoughts on religion, my stories. Don't get me wrong, these are important sometimes, but I'm not saving anyone and I definitely haven't been talking about the guy who can. Secondly, I spend a lot of money on crap I don't need, and spending money on crap makes me way happier than it should. I get high from shopping. It may only be a sweater from a thrift store, but that sweater has me freakin THRILLED. Spending money on nonsense brings me joy- however giving the small amount of money I give to help a kid in India, or as a tithe, makes me not so thrilled. I don't mind doing it, because I know I should....but I could do all sorts of other stuff with that money too. Do you know how many thrift store sweaters I could buy with my tithe money??? And I don't even tithe all that I feel like I should because I have an unsaved husband and we had to meet in the middle.
God showed up this week. Maybe not the way I would have liked Him to, with the showering of love and adoration for who I am. He showed up in a book and planted an idea in my heart. He then solidified the planting of that idea through both His word and a church service. I have already had a few people tell me this idea is silly and unnecessary, and I have battled with them being right. They aren't. Starting today and for the next six months I will purchase nothing that caters to my vanity. I will not buy a sweater, a shoe, a tube of lipstick, a new hair clip or anything of the like. I will not be taking pictures of myself. (This is so embarrassing.) I take pictures of myself for Facebook or wherever else and it is RIDICULOUS. No one person needs as many pictures of themselves as I have. Pictures are for memories and family, not vanity. I am excited about what God will do in this time. I don't have a goal as to put a certain amount of money into anything needful right now, and I figure if I am supposed to God will let me know. I am thinking this is step one in my hurtle of loving Jesus the way I am supposed to again. I think I fell out of love a little there for awhile...and probably never loved him the way I should have to begin with. Cheers to challenges that change hearts and new beginnings.
PS. I will update what God is doing on this blog- stay tuned.
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