Revelation.

I went to church this morning, tired from a short amount of sleep, and not particularly interested in being at church at all- which is not something new. I have felt kind of distanced from the idea of church as whole for some months now. I couldn't put my finger on why, till this morning. I just started attending Grace Community Church, this was my second Sunday, and the pastor Andy is in the middle of a series having to do with Paul and his letters to Corinth. Mostly what I have heard is along the lines of our culture, trying to make the gospel likable in order for our own comfort, and how closely related this idea is now to the city of Corinth that Paul writes to.

Today the service was great- I nodded in agreement and said "amen", and meant it. All the while I just felt kind of dead inside trying to think about relationship with God, and not being comfortable and so on. I had this image of a plant, more specifically my plant- the only one I have ever kept alive. It is some sort of non floral thing I bought at Walmart only because I found an awesome owl cookie jar that I wanted to use as a planter. My plant is alive. It grew a lot in a few spurts, but now it is just alive. It receives sun and water, but not enough to grow, just not enough to die. It is mostly green, sometimes a leaf becomes brown and I clip it off when I remember, or it falls off on its own. I thought about this plant, and then myself. I have received salvation and will live forever with Christ. I am alive, but I am not growing. I have grown before, and am further along the road than some, if we are to compare- but I have hit a wall. I am receiving sun and water because of salvation, but no one is dumping miracle grow on me. More importantly I am not at Home Depot shopping for miracle grow. I can't tell you how many months I have felt like this. I think I may have attempted the miracle grow formula for a short amount of time in the beginning, with no real results, so I gave up and decided it would all have to pass sometime and soon enough I would be feeling all holy again. But it didn't pass. I have just accepted the feeling of stunted growth, and even more so, run with it. It occurred to me this morning that I am more comfortable around my unsaved husband and my unsaved friends, than I have been at church in awhile. I don't cringe at ugly language and crude humor. I use ugly language and crude humor. I have taken bits and pieces of the gospel that I like right now, because they fit where I am, and I hold fast to them- but I have let other, just as important concepts and ideals fall to the wayside. My life is wonderful. I am blessed. I have no major issues biting at my ankles- so I have somehow equated that with mine and Gods relationship being solid. It isn't. I love God- no doubt, but you sure wouldn't know it hanging out with me these days. Not really. Not the way I would want you to know it. I am a Christian, but what does that even mean? It means nothing if your life does not reflect it. Right now, my life does not reflect it anymore than some nice girl down the street.

Today I am thankful for whatever has led me to Grace Community church, which is somewhat of a mystery all its own, since it isn't often a person decides to up and leave a church they love and consider family to attend a new place 3 months before they leave the state. I am thankful for Andy as a pastor, who is open and honest and accepting. I am thankful for Jesus. For being treated like the scum of the earth so I have a shot at living like I am not. I am thankful that He forgives me no matter how many times I ask, even if my crime is the same as it was last week. I am so glad for today, for this morning. I can't wait to start growing again.